Wednesday, November 18, 2009

killed

online social networks have killed my real-life relationships. i was struck by this horrifying revelation just a few minutes ago as i looked through my tweets. there were some from people i feel like i've known all my life but really have only ever met in person perhaps once or twice. we exchanged @s like old friends but in reality our relationship is defined solely by our flawed interpretations of each other's lives and personalities. none of it is real.

then i looked at the friends i do see in the flesh. the circle has remained stagnant for the last couple of years. sure, i haven't gone anywhere and the curse of being in a purely medical science-based institution is that the variety of people i meet is severely limited. although the people i interact with daily are pretty decent and some are downright sweet, it begs the question why i find it so hard to make new friends and build on existing relationships.

i have facebook, twitter, gmail and this blog to blame. like a friend commented recently on her blog - great, now i have to read blogs to know what the heck is up with people, sigh - sometimes my virtual diary is my most faithful companion, the one place i pour my heart to. nevermind the shoulders that are ever ready for me to cry on, the willing ears that care to hear me whine. my excuse is that i am better off expressing myself in the written word because then, at least, i don't have to worry about overstepping the line and have a trusty "backspace" key to edit whatever i have to say.

it's safer that way. safer to the alternative of being open about who i am, what i think, how i feel. my virtual self is one who lols at the most uncomfortable of statements. in my online personality, i get to add and remove whatever applications i want without any repercussions.

online social networking has killed my real-life relationships. i want them back.

lishun at 6:59 AM

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

wanted to

i wanted to apologise today.

i wanted to tell you that i now realise just how legalistic i have been - never cutting you any slack for missing cell group and hounding you whenever you don't come for service. i was wrong for putting on a fake smile while asking why you weren't serving in any ministries in a tone of voice laced with judgement. i wanted to say sorry for being legalistic, for expecting you to adhere to my standards, eventhough you and i both know that neither of us are as holy as the standards of the One who really matters.

i have subconsciously set up a points system in my head that counts how good a christian i am by how consistent my church attendance is and whether i serve in a ministry, in cf, or volunteer for stuff. worse, i have unfairly projected that points system onto you. i am sorry for that.

i should have asked if your relationship with God is alright rather than ask about religious practices. this isn't a religion bound by traditions, ceremonies, unwilling obligations and hypocritical service. i apologise if i have made it come across as if it were.

i wanted to do that over dinner, somewhere nearby with decent food that costs a decent amount of money.

and i wanted to ask for your forgiveness.

of course, all that isn't going to happen. no, not now that there is rain and offence and guests and logistics in the way. it's a pity, because i really wanted to, and now i'm not sure if there will ever be a chance to.

lishun at 5:08 PM

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Monday, November 16, 2009

'60s trip

the music by the beatles is now an integral part of the soundtrack to my life. from that very first time mr. thomas introduced me proper to the fab four, to the time my crush grabbed my hands and swung them around while singing "i wanna hold your hand" (before promptly going back to holding his girlfriend's hands), to my little beatlemania phase right now...there is no way i can possibly deny the influence those tunes have had on me.

there is a burnt cd of some of the beatles' more commercially successful songs sitting in my car for the last week. it has been a faithful companion during my drives between kl and seremban and i have enjoyed belting out my favourites while keeping an eye on the road. it helps that john lennon and paul mccartney have voices within my range (and then some) and that the guitar solos are too awesome to resist singing along to. just listen to george play that instantly recognisable solo to "let it be" and tell me if it isn't just screaming out to be vocalised!

anyway, i actually have alot more to say about this trip to the 60s i've been on. i'm inspired by the confidence that sir paul had even as a 20-something, the conviction that his songs will be standards one day among the ranks of buddy holly, elvis and frank sinatra. he was just so sure that he was on the right track. i could use some of that confidence at the moment.

i'm also blown away by the complexities underlying the deceivingly simple melodies and words. lennon and mccartney were transparent about their creative process, leaving no interpretation necessary. they weren't like amy tan, surprised at how far people have stretched her novels, seeing symbolism where she had not consciously intended. the songs of the beatles were deliberate and they said so.

there are some songs that i hit "repeat" on, just to get a second dose of how they make me feel. i'll write about them one day. man, what i would give to be one of those screaming girls in 1964.

lishun at 7:37 PM

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

absolute genius



can you sense the tension in this scene? can you see the struggle in his eyes? he knew that the moment he told the truth, her hand would slip away from his and things would change forever. yet, he chose to speak at the very instant she released her heart from its prison of doubt, only to throw it into the familiar grip of betrayal.

...and they say the truth will set you free.

---

i could not help but hit the "print screen" button right at this moment because it captured perfectly the significance of what was about to happen next. the reaching for her hand just before he moved to the foreground, the focus on his eyes and his wedding ring...it was an absolute stroke of directorial genius.

season 6 of "House" just keeps getting better!

lishun at 2:19 AM

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Monday, November 09, 2009

life lessons learnt

i owe alot of my interests to my primary 4 class teacher, mr thomas. he got me hooked onto roald dahl, trivia (we were freakin' 8 years old and we knew that paul keating was the prime minister of australia at the time) and music from an era far removed from mine.

once in awhile he'd bring us to the school hall, sit us down near the piano and teach us to sing songs like "ticket to ride", "scarborough fair" and "love me tender". he told us stories of how his parents used to throw his records out, calling rock 'n' roll the devil's music, and how he'd quietly buy more 45s anyway with money that he had meticulously saved.

although i had a music teacher in school here in malaysia who taught us to sing "morning has broken", the feelings i have attached to music by elvis, the beatles, simon and garfunkel are very different from the ones evoked every time i hear the-artist-currently-known-as-yusuf-islam's song on the radio. till this day i find it hard to stomach the latter, while the fab four never fail to bring a smile to my face.

it's because of that that i remember mr thomas very well. there must have been something special in the way he imparted knowledge to us and inspired us to learn. he must have had a talent in teaching that made my primary 4 experience so memorable.

recently, my father asked me just what i learnt during my time in quarry bay school. we didn't have fixed subject periods and we didn't have formal assessments. at the end of the school year, my parents received a letter detailing my progress in several fields - math, language, social skills, behaviour, etc. - but there were no grades, no clear indication of how much i have learnt.

come to think of it, it was a rather strange form of education. well, strange to us A-crazy malaysians anyway.

but when i look back at the time i spent singing those songs with mr thomas and the rest of my class, i realise that what i picked up was how to love every aspect of life that is available for me to love. that's probably one of the best lessons i have ever learnt.

lishun at 3:00 AM

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Sunday, November 08, 2009

eternal spring

perhaps i really am a snob.

i sat through a luncheon celebrating the 85th anniversary of the malaysian eng choon association thinking that i don't belong there. my father and sister are both active members and i grew up attending their events, winning their book prizes, going for dinners that my father had forked out thousands of ringgit for in support of the association. yet i have no desire to follow in the footsteps of my dad and older sibling and join the association in the future.

my father was born in eng choon, or yong chun as it is known in hanyu pinyin. he has cousins who continue to reside in china and he keeps in touch with them via snail mail and the annual phone call during chinese new year. he's got strong connections with the place despite spending most of his life here in malaysia and a number of years in various countries around the world.

as for my sister, she seems to have inherited some of the responsibility my father feels towards the eng choon community in the klang valley. i've never really understood it, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's the eldest child of a man who is relatively well-known in the malaysian chinese community and hence cannot help but have some of that...stuff(?) passed onto her.

i have never felt that way. perhaps it's because my only real exposure to being chinese chinese is at home, where the lingua franca is mandarin. i went to a sekolah kebangsaan, spent 2 years in an english medium school and my closest friends read books like "to kill a mockingbird" and listen to robbie williams. i don't feel any connection whatsoever to my chinese roots - save for my love of dim sum and teresa teng - so being in that hall this afternoon, among some of the most distinguished persons in the malaysian chinese community, i felt completely out of place.

both my parents originate from eng choon (no, they didn't get married in an arranged marriage as kids, don't get the wrong idea), a province in china with a beautiful name that translates loosely to "eternal spring", and i am a 1st generation malaysian who has mentally severed my roots to that place.

i'm not sure if i should count that a shame, consider myself a snob, or rejoice in the fact that i identify myself as being more malaysian than chinese.

lishun at 7:19 PM

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Friday, November 06, 2009

uplifting

this morning, i talked to an old man with a lung infection. i had specific reasons for seeing him - he had an interesting disease that had some good learning points for myself and the junior i had dragged along - but it didn't seem right to march up to him and say "uncleineedtoexamineyourhandsandtoesandauscultateyourlungsmayipleasedosokthx" so i took some time to just have a chat with him.

i wondered where his wife was and he told me that she had been admitted in the ward downstairs for chest pain. there wasn't anyone available to feed him lunch later so could i please tell the nurses that he needs to be fed? after sorting that out, i told him that his oxygen supply has been reduced and that's a good thing, and updated him on his condition.

the whole time i was getting a little agitated, thinking that i will never be able to slot a quick examination in at the rate we were talking. however, i remained patient and gave non-verbal cues to my junior to be patient too. before i knew it, the old man was smiling beneath his non-rebreather mask and giving praise to God for the little improvement that has occured.

he thanked God in short, broken sentences, pulling off his mask at one point to proclaim that "God is our creator", God knows all things and that doctors are healers who deserve a place with God in heaven.

i was amazed by his...fervency in praising God even in the midst of an illness that could kill him before his age does. an illness that has sent him back to the hospital over and over again. a disease that has effectively incapacitated him, confined him to a bed and an oxygen tank.

and still he praised God.

earlier this year, a rehabilitation medicine specialist-in-training told me that he decided to abandon his medical qualification exams after a year because he found it too depressing. i agreed with him - most of the patients in the medical ward have chronic illnesses with chronic complications. furthermore, this being a government hospital, most of the patients are financially insufficient and hence cannot afford the full spectrum of treatment they may need.

but just watching that old man rejoice and give praise to the Lord because he doesn't need as much oxygen as he did the day before and his crepitations have reduced a little...that was the most uplifting thing i've seen in a long time.

lishun at 11:51 AM

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